girlonahalfshill

Me, too… but I have been very slow to chime in on this one because it’s a very deep well, but also because it’s part of a whole. Because not “being a victim” is a complicated and nuanced process and I have yet to sort my way all the way through. The truth is that sexuality is messy. It rarely fits nicely or neatly into polite conversation, so there are many polite and respectable people who don’t talk about it, but that doesn’t solve the messiness. Pretty much all of us have things in our bedrooms that we don’t know how to talk to people about, that we might not be proud of – men and women, male and female. Being shamed for my libido hurt and messed me up as much as some of the rapes that I’ve survived. There is so much here to talk about.

But, at the end of the day, the important thing for me has been to decide who I want to be and to live by that. I had a mother who wasn’t raped. She was sexually harassed at least once and traumatized by it, but she expanded that experience and the disgust that she felt for that man to men generally. That was a mistake that she made that made so much more pain possible. I decided years and years ago that I did not want to be her. I didn’t want to be angry and blameful and bitter. Despite living through brutality and having humiliation stirred into my first sexual experiences, I didn’t want to hate sex. I didn’t find sex bad.

It has been and continues to be important to me to approach people with hope and faith. At times, this will mean that I get hurt. Hell, just living means that I will get hurt. Sometimes blame and culpability are important for shielding others from harm, they can be tools for guiding responsibility and building honesty, respect and sensitivity. And sometimes blame offers no benefit. It is hard for our faculties to tell the difference. But our constitution and our laws do not protect us from being offended. They don’t and shouldn’t guard us from experiencing disgust or revulsion. They also don’t shield us from joy, pleasure, and happiness, although some of us forget how to access ALL of these emotions. What we experience and feel is distinct from what happens to us. And the feeling of being hurt motivates nearly all of the hurt that is done in the world, on every scale.

I cannot prevent my being hurt, but I have every power over how I react to it. Please note, that this is not me blaming the victims. Not at all. Nor am I taking blame away from perpetrators. I am simply saying that I often make the active decision to choose trust. I choose faith and warmth. I choose to make eye contact as often as I can and to try to be as honest as I know how to be. This means that I share too much. (So many of you know this, right?) This means that I get hurt. Sometimes I’m a chump or a fool. These are all acceptable byproducts to me. I am who I want to be and that is something that I don’t know how to change at this point. I’ve made choices that have gotten me here and I’m not sure that many people would want to switch places with me, but it’s okay. I’m grateful for all of you. If I’ve friended you and remained linked to you even peripherally, please know that I’m grateful for you. We will offend each other, we will hurt each other. None of that has to be the end of the conversation. Hurt doesn’t have to be the end. It’s the start.