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Tag: college

July 12, 2016

Purpose

Highly abused, often confused buzzword that it is – this summer, which has been the culmination of five years of planning and dreaming, is fueled by purpose. Reconnecting to my father’s memory and his family, exploring our soon-to-be home, introducing my sons to history, science, geography and literature through activities and travel and spending time with my sons.

A dear friend told me that success is “constancy of purpose.” If so, then the scope of what I have set us against this summer would argue against our success. I had planned so much more… LSAT prep, books, heaps of books that are weighing down the back of my car, but which I have yet to crack open. It seems that I may have to content myself with the fact that our travels are running on schedule and we are all happy and healthy. My academic goals will be the primary focus soon enough and the boys have the bulk of my attention for now.

But, today we reached Pennsylvania and set foot on Bryn Mawr’s campus for the first time. It’s beautiful, but it didn’t feel intimidating or cold. It reminded me of Cambridge with its masonry and chimneys. Tomorrow I’ll meet my dean and get an official tour of the campus, but I have seen enough to feel confident about the fit. My eldest son called my mom to tell her about our visit and he described the college as a well-designed castle. My youngest kept looking at the buildings while confirming that we were in the right place, “They’re giving you money to go to school here? Here? Good job, mom!”

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve had ideas for posts, but we took a day off from productivity in Nashville on the 4th of July and then there were a few intense days of driving, followed by visits with my relatives in North Carolina, which were wonderful days that gave my sons treasured time on the beach and the opportunity to remember their grandpa, while getting to know their great aunt and great uncles for the first time. (They have met their Great Uncle Dan before, but briefly at my father’s memorial service, so this was a much different experience for them.)

And now we are almost ready to point out car westward again. And there is more relief in that thought than I imagined when I embarked on this journey. In late breaking news, my boyfriend just notified me that he’s gotten approval for his request for time off, so he’ll be helping me drive the U-Haul from California to Pennsylvania in August! I don’t know if I’m more relieved to learn that I won’t have to learn how to drive a 17′ U-Haul truck on my own or to find out that we’ll have a week of travel together and although I know that moving may seem like a less than idyllic vacation, this is the same man who has stood by my side through my father’s passing, the passing of my friend and employer, my worries about my children and my parents. He’s been my comfort through it all and when he’s by my side, adversity doesn’t feel overwhelming. It all feels more hopeful, so I’m beyond happy to know that we’ll have this time together.

On that note, I am going to sign off for the night. I will try to write again sooner next time. There have been ideas shooting through my head for days, but I haven’t found the time to set them to type. Good night.

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June 14, 2016

On the cusp…

Forty is tapping me on the shoulder. My father liked to quip, “It’s a gift,” every time someone asked him how he figured things out or showed up at the right moment, or sometimes when he made an embarrassing mistake. This comment was occasionally accompanied by a bow – feigning a stately posture, he would mime the doffing of a hat.

My father passed away in February. In many ways, he mostly left in October, when his mind left our shared reality for darker ruminations. To a lesser degree, he had been fading from view for the last three years or so, since the chemotherapy took hold and his heart began to fail and congest.
My father surely would have looked upon me gravely for this upcoming venture. Though he abandoned the Midwest after graduating from Purdue, he believed strongly that there was an approved path for respectable adults to follow. I have yet to follow it with any regularity, but I know what it is supposed to be and I know when I’ve strayed from it. My mother is ill. Not just ill. Struggling with cancer herself – pancreatic. My father would have wanted me by her side, as I was with him. And I have found more moments to be there – for his sake, and hers, and mine, than I thought I would, but my future is beckoning and it isn’t here.

We have been planning this summer’s road trip for five years now, ever since I withdrew from UC Berkeley in my second semester as a transfer student. To shirk the shackles of Bay Area expenses for the duration of the summer before I returned to college and travel cross-country with my sons. And it begins. Tomorrow.

It wasn’t “supposed” to be like this. My father was “supposed” to be healthy and well and sitting at the ready to proofread papers. My partner/husband was “supposed” to be coming with the boys and I. More recently, my boss and dear, dear friend, Mark Lesley, was “supposed” to be here to hug me tight, kiss me on the cheek and wish me the very best of luck, but I attended his memorial service the weekend before last. My mother always seemed destined to outlast us all with her tenacity, but even her stamina seems in doubt. And still, perhaps the sourest hope in all of life’s sorrows is our damn resilience. We recover – life goes on! So it does.

And so, we are going. My sons and I. And we are lucky to be laden with the love, hopes and affection of friends. We are leaving California tomorrow and I am entirely unsure whether we will ever reside here again. I have loved so much of this incredible state and so many of the beautiful people who I know here, but this new chapter is leading us somewhere new and I am about to learn many, many things – not only in the classroom, but along the way. Dad always said it was a good day if you learned something. Well, Dad, I think there are good days ahead then.

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