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Full Circle

Yesterday’s push paid off. We’re in California again, with only five hours and change between us and friends – the community that has embraced us for the last five years. I’ll have less than a week to set ducks in a row for the relocation and scoop up a few more visits with loved ones before the moving van needs to be underway.

It has been quite the year, quite the summer. Incredible highs, hard lows and so much left to do. But, the lease is signed on our apartment in Berwyn, I have a part time job lined up and have been in contact with my dean and the head of the Political Science department at Bryn Mawr. Things are falling into place and the future, as they say, is bright.

My sons and I have shared seven amazing, brilliant, challenging weeks and have seen so, so much. We’ve found new podcasts to love, listened to the Beatles and Billy Joel, Stephen Sondheim and Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. We talked about puberty, love and relationships, college and future plans. We bonded over paddle boats and kettle corn.

And, as we approach the tail end of this particular journey and the cusp of the next, I am so grateful… and nervous and relieved and exhausted. But mostly, grateful.

The Kindness of Strangers 

I have been intending to write a post on this subject for weeks, but I now have an imperative. Overall, our travels have progressed smoothly: our destination targets have been met, we have traveled all the way South and East and are on the final leg of the journey, there have been bumps along the way, but none that have overturned the endeavor. But life and people are always full of surprises.

In New Orleans, I had the unexpected privilege of meeting a man who was begging on the street in the French Quarter. Now, usually, I will admit that I don’t tend to give money to people on the street. It’s not that I find them undeserving or that I’m not moved by their bequests, but I’ve learned through the years just how crucial it is to make sure that my family’s needs are met before I try to help others because unless we’re solid, I can’t honestly help anyone. But there was something about this one particular man, the depth in his eyes, his chant of “anything will help, anything will help,” that held me longer than usual and I dug into my pocket and asked Spencer to drop the money in his cup. He didn’t just say thank you. He locked onto the gaze of both of my boys and thanked them, but then he went one step further. He told them to stay in school, to avoid drugs, to make me proud. He told them that he was as young as they were once and that he had dropped out of school and turned to drugs and that that was how he ended up where he was today. He thanked them for their help, but he gave them so much more back that I walked away feeling in his debt. 

This summer has brought us rich opportunities, friendship, family and memories that will surely take years to process. Today alone, we drove through Badlands National Park and saw pronghorn antelope, bighorn sheep, prairie dogs and burrowing owls. We’ve had phenomenal opportunities, many supplied by the near strangers referenced in the title of today’s post. We have toured a genomics laboratory, seen limestone caves, clambered around ancient cliff dwellings, held alligators, met cousins and friends we haven’t seen in years and been treated with incredible kindness – coast to coast.

And last night, driving along I-90, I thought that we had finally met our match. The impatience of reaching our destinations has reached a higher pitch now that we’re staring down the final stretch of the journey and we’re all anxious to see familiar faces again. We have secured a rental in Pennsylvania near the college, I’ve found a job that will work around my school schedule and I have received generous support that will cover our relocation expenses. But in order to preserve our savings for those substantial upcoming expenditures, I’ve become increasingly sensitive to our expenses. Most of our accommodations were arranged months ago and nearly all of the rest were made during my stay with family in Oklahoma, during a frenzied night juggling the computer and my phone. However, there were three pesky nights that I left to chance. They were toward the end of the trip, so it seemed possible that plans might shift by then. We had also gotten used to seeing a pluthera of vacancy signs by then and I wasn’t worried about finding available rooms in Iowa, Idaho or Oregon – especially outside of the major cities. The joke was on me.

Around. 1:30 a.m., I started checking motels because I was too tired to press on any further, but one after another, they were full. Jackson, Minnesota and Spirit Lake, Milford, and Spencer, Iowa were all packed. The only room to be found was going to exceed $100 and it was well past two o’clock at this point, which meant that the expense would only net us a few hours of sleep. I pulled into a gas station and found a clerk who allowed the boys and I to nap in the parking lot. A little over an hour later, a tap on my window introduced us to Anna, the inspiration for this post. She took us in for the night and we couldn’t have been more grateful. The humidity and heat had turned the car into a greenhouse. Her house and hospitality were the most beautiful gift at the end of a long day.

For the two and a half years that I worked at Mark Lesley’s side, we were always running up against evenings that refused to cooperate and situations that looked impossible, but he’d always reassure me that “Everything will work out, darling. It always does.” I’m not prone to blind optimism, but with that extraordinary man at the helm, it always seemed to.

From the friends of friends who opened their home to us to Anna to the man in New Orleans, I have never meant to depend on the kindness of strangers, but I am in their debt all the same. I am so, so fortunate for all of these wonderful people. I know that we’re living in an era when it is easy to feel jaded and callous about people, but incredible people exist and when you find them, I’m hard pressed to think of anything more remarkable. I cherish every one of my friends and many of you have been instrumental in helping us get through the years and supporting us, but this post is specifically dedicated to Anna, Rick, Wendy, and all of the other recent strangers who have taken us under their wings during this trip. Many, many thanks. 

Headed West

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” – Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

As I am snuggled into our tent, listening to the patter of rain, the boys on either side of me, our travel for the day finished, there is something very cosy about our night’s accommodations.
Last night we enjoyed a solid night of sleep at my cousin’s lovely home in Fairfield, Connecticut and today we toured Mark Twain’s home in Hartford before wandering north through poorly paved back roads in Massachusetts to find our campsite. I made most of these travel arrangements so long ago that I have no recollection of my selection process for each place. How I stumbled across Fernwood Forest Campground in the minuscule town of Hinsdale, Massachusetts, I have no idea, although Twain could think up something, I’m sure.

It’s always a surprise to see what the boys connect with during our travels: the Titanic tour in Pigeon Falls, Tennessee, which I had imagined might be a waste of time and money turned out to engage all three of us, my uncle’s suggestion of the Natural History Museum in Raleigh was greatly appreciated, the tour of my cousin’s farm in Oklahoma has been remembered and I have tried my best to preserve the wheat and rye that Spencer received through every stop’s loading and unloading of the car.

And, again, as we wind through country roads, weaving alongside streams and passing meadows of wildflowers, I am struck by how exceptionally beautiful this country is. Perhaps it’s not specific to the United States. It seems that anytime we are away from development, the views have been magnificent, whether we’ve been in Alabama, Nevada, Colorado or Massachusetts. I’ve also found cities that have surprised me – Hartford’s capital building looked like a gothic castle, New Brunswick, New Jersey was so much bigger than I expected and felt shiny and new, with Rutgers University holding a starring role, Houston was more expansive than I could have ever imagined and, on the other hand, New Orleans was all that I had hoped it would be and I left highly aware that I had barely scratched the surface.

And this is the portion of the trip that people have questioned more often than anything else about our summer’s venture: we are headed back to California. In explanation, I had no desire to haul our worldly possessions behind us on a ten thousand mile trip. Our little Honda hybrid has averaged between 40 and 51 mpg and only complained when I lost focus and plowed it into a curb in Oklahoma City, popping the tires on the passenger side of the car. (Those who know me will find this pathetically typical.) But, we had destinations and people to see, both north and south. It made sense to sweep through the South first and return through the northern states. At the end of all of this travel, it is necessary to move the contents of our storage unit to Pennsylvania, at which point the boys will be spared the bulk of the relocation by staying in California and flying out when our possessions are hopefully safely sequestered in our new home.

And while our car is traveling west now, I continue to glance over my shoulder, hoping for a soft landing in August, trying to wrap my head around the new geography and keep on top of communications with the college and potential landlords.

It’s dark now and the rain has slowed, but there are strange birds making wheezy sounds nearby. I’ve never heard anything quite like them before. Meanwhile, my eldest is telling me about his plans for the story that he’s composing. The familiar and unfamiliar, mingling by lamplight. 

Purpose

Highly abused, often confused buzzword that it is – this summer, which has been the culmination of five years of planning and dreaming, is fueled by purpose. Reconnecting to my father’s memory and his family, exploring our soon-to-be home, introducing my sons to history, science, geography and literature through activities and travel and spending time with my sons.

A dear friend told me that success is “constancy of purpose.” If so, then the scope of what I have set us against this summer would argue against our success. I had planned so much more… LSAT prep, books, heaps of books that are weighing down the back of my car, but which I have yet to crack open. It seems that I may have to content myself with the fact that our travels are running on schedule and we are all happy and healthy. My academic goals will be the primary focus soon enough and the boys have the bulk of my attention for now.

But, today we reached Pennsylvania and set foot on Bryn Mawr’s campus for the first time. It’s beautiful, but it didn’t feel intimidating or cold. It reminded me of Cambridge with its masonry and chimneys. Tomorrow I’ll meet my dean and get an official tour of the campus, but I have seen enough to feel confident about the fit. My eldest son called my mom to tell her about our visit and he described the college as a well-designed castle. My youngest kept looking at the buildings while confirming that we were in the right place, “They’re giving you money to go to school here? Here? Good job, mom!”

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve had ideas for posts, but we took a day off from productivity in Nashville on the 4th of July and then there were a few intense days of driving, followed by visits with my relatives in North Carolina, which were wonderful days that gave my sons treasured time on the beach and the opportunity to remember their grandpa, while getting to know their great aunt and great uncles for the first time. (They have met their Great Uncle Dan before, but briefly at my father’s memorial service, so this was a much different experience for them.)

And now we are almost ready to point out car westward again. And there is more relief in that thought than I imagined when I embarked on this journey. In late breaking news, my boyfriend just notified me that he’s gotten approval for his request for time off, so he’ll be helping me drive the U-Haul from California to Pennsylvania in August! I don’t know if I’m more relieved to learn that I won’t have to learn how to drive a 17′ U-Haul truck on my own or to find out that we’ll have a week of travel together and although I know that moving may seem like a less than idyllic vacation, this is the same man who has stood by my side through my father’s passing, the passing of my friend and employer, my worries about my children and my parents. He’s been my comfort through it all and when he’s by my side, adversity doesn’t feel overwhelming. It all feels more hopeful, so I’m beyond happy to know that we’ll have this time together.

On that note, I am going to sign off for the night. I will try to write again sooner next time. There have been ideas shooting through my head for days, but I haven’t found the time to set them to type. Good night.

Reconnection & Reversals

It has been a full week and then some since my last post. Well, chronologically, it hasn’t been a full week yet, but it feels like a full helping of travel and experiences. Last report, we were finishing up our visit to Austin and heading on to Houston.

Houston gave me a chance to see my cousin and her husband and two year old before reconnecting with a friend who I hadn’t seen for over fourteen years. He was so welcoming and it was such a treat to be welcomed into his home after so many years. It has also been enriching to introduce my kids to so many of my friends. Many of them have met them before, but the boys have developed into “real individuals,” especially within the last year or so. Despite the challenges of having a teenager and a Spencer, I’m still enjoying their development and find their company increasingly amusing as they age.

During a moment of frustration yesterday, I accused my eldest of behaving like an ADD child; he has a tendency to make noise constantly. As an only child, I grew up in oppressive silence and, although I tortured my parents with incessant humming and occasional tap routines, I find myself missing quiet as an adult. Tyler repaid my comment with six hours of silence. I apologized and he accepted, but he maintained his abstention until close of day. This morning, I was delighted to find that he had regained his voice and was in a fine mood.

I, however, woke up at 5:30 a.m. to find my skull threatening to split in two, but there was no way that I was going to spend our only day in New Orleans hiding from the light with the covers pulled over my head. Three ibuprofen, water and a determined nap pushed it out of the forefront and we launched into a full day of exploration. Just two days ago, I was recoiling at my friend’s telling of his encounter with an alligator in a Louisiana rest stop, but after holding one, I find that I am rather fond of the little guys. (The jury is still out on the fourteen footers.)


New Orleans is a much bigger city than I expected. One sees the photos of the French Quarter and forgets that a modern city has grow up all around it. Canal Street looks like Los Angeles with its parade of palm trees. But the old part of the city is certainly charming and the heat really didn’t feel oppressive, the way that it did in Houston. Maybe we just got lucky, but it felt sort of velvety.


The swamp may be the best discovery though. It makes me wish that I had hours to explore it and was a better photographer. There’s a wildness to it that is only matched in my experience by Alaska. There’s actually something similar about the landscape of the two states. After mile after mile of manicured, industrial agriculture, Louisiana feels untamed. Tangles of trees, vines and grasses rise out of the dark waters. There are swaths where they’ve drained the land and we’ve seen rice fields and sugarcane, but those feel like the exception and surely can’t compete with the impression that the wilds make.

Tomorrow, we leave NOLA to enjoy the hospitality of friends of friends in Huntsville, Alabama. But for tonight, I am here with my sleepy children who walked the French Quarter until they thought their feet would fall off snoozing in the next bed at our Airbnb. Wishing everyone sweet dreams and a good night. 

Fragmented

I am increasingly aware that the stories the boys and I will collect this summer are scattered – each of us remembering different bits and pieces, connecting to different moments with different people, some moments captured in this blog or that one, an Instagram post, a Facebook update, a text. A large segment of the summer’s experiences await publishing, dormant in the Olympus camera; intermittent blips in the landscape, periodic blind spots. Our hike in Denver, Mesa Verde, Covert Park at Mt. Bonnell in Austin, the Botanical Gardens. They all await download in August.

Other moments garner immediate applause: the Facebook posts, the Instagram pics. I’m striving to avoid spending the summer lost in my phone. There are many moments, though arguably not enough, when I choose to set the camera down in favor of being present and capturing the moment in memory.

I have hoped that the boys are ready to absorb a lot of this trip, that they’re ready for the history and geography, that some of the dynamic differences between the different states will seep in, that they’ll be left with a lasting appreciation for the vastness of the country and the variations. I am not sure how well the country as a whole will be represented. Our travel clusters around so many liberal epicenters: Denver, Austin, Nashville, Philadelphia, Madison… but there was our time in Oklahoma, we head to Houston tomorrow, we’ll be dipping into South Carolina and traveling through Ohio, Indiana and Iowa. Still plenty of territory yet to cover.


Tonight, before I gave up on the fading light and set my phone down, I snapped one last picture in the twilight on the bridge over the Colorado River. The photo cannot hope to do the scene justice. The skyline was lovely and stood proudly above its liquid reflection. The boys, Bryan and I soaked it in and watched the train sweeping by on our left.

This trip is unwieldy. It’s unreasonable and preposterous. There’s a reason that I haven’t published the itinerary – it’s slightly obscene, or at the very least, ostentatious or ridiculous. It zigs and zags. It has repeatedly refused compression or efficiency. It is impractical to multiple faults. And it’s wonderful. It is very, very literally a trip of a lifetime. It is the trip of my lifetime. It’s not the high point of my existence, but it may be the closest thing to a legacy that I have to offer my boys. It says, Life doesn’t have to be reasonable. It won’t be. It doesn’t have to make sense. Logic and reason are not to be sneezed at and should be embraced and turned to, heeded and referenced, but it is every bit as essential to recognize the moments to run amok, to explore, dig deep, get lost and to learn that these moments will shape us, change us. That we fall in love with imperfections, that beauty lies in the pursuit, exploration and foibles. That the emotional and social supports the rational and logical. That indulgence has its place. 

The draw of people

Sitting at a desk, working day after day, this road trip has been a daydream for the past five years. It is the culmination of high hopes and escapist fantasies, an ambitious attempt to reconnect with my sons after a year and a half of absentee parenting… it is all of this and it is tiring. And I am finding that our friends and family are the best antidote to road weariness.

Sitting at a desk, views, vistas and monuments draw me, a museum sounds like a valuable opportunity to broaden my boys’ awareness and a national park within shooting distance seems like an offer we can’t refuse, but in the driver’s seat, in the choice between a familiar face and a motel, the familiar face has been winning every time. Twice now, we have abandoned our set plans to join friends sooner. And I really can’t say enough in favor of the quality of friends that I have in my life – from Carlos, who I’ve known for quite some time now – longer than either of us care to admit, to Sam, a former co-worker who was kind enough to meet the boys and I for lunch in Oklahoma City and who introduced us to The Best Tacos, to my cousin and his wife in Enid, OK – they welcomed our extended stay and made us feel at home, to Bryan in Austin, another former co-worker who is so much more… 

And the trip isn’t half over. We still have so many lives to intersect along the way. There are the small interactions as well, and, thanks to the boys, I’m often in the audience for those. Spencer has taken to interviewing shopkeepers and waitresses about their products and food, he’ll wax poetic about the value of small businesses and the innovation and quality that he finds there. Tyler stops to help younger kids, holds doors, meets people’s eyes and wins them over with his smiles.

And in between the stops, we’re becoming increasingly familiar with Roman Mars of 99% Invisible, a podcast we hadn’t listened to before the trip commenced and now, Richard Feynman, as we make our way through the audiobook, “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman.” We finished Douglas Adams’ “Life, the Universe and Everything” yesterday, to mixed reviews. The random, absurdity of Adams’ style may have thrown the boys a bit, but Feynman’s adventures have captivated them.

And that hoped for reconnection with my sons has been easier to find than I had hoped. I suppose it was never lost; they have known that I wasn’t avoiding them, but had been trying to make ends meet. There has been less academic investment than I had hoped, for them and me. (I had dreamed of studying for my LSAT and practicing math facts, reading and writing with the boys. Oh well.) But there have been sunsets and stories and adventures. There will be memories that last for ages and friendships deepened and valued. That seems good enough for now. That seems like a win. 

Looking back

I was a runaway child. I ran away from home initially at sixteen years of age. Few characteristics distinguish me to this same degree. It colors who I bond with, who my friends are, what friendship and family mean to me, what home means to me, my goals and how I want to get there. I am not this way because I was a runaway child, but I was a runaway child because of the factors that brought me to that point and the fact that I was an unrepentant runaway means that much of the defiance that I felt at sixteen still resonates in me – somewhere. 
Don’t get me wrong. I was angry and hurt at sixteen in ways that no longer apply. I no longer feel the same degree of anguish and melodrama. But I still feel in a way that I half expected to have been dulled by age. I’m still driven by relationships and connection. I still swim in my emotions and feel that they are exceptionally significant.

And in many ways, the upcoming move to Pennsylvania is the kind of move that I’ve always hoped for. There have been moments when I’ve drooled over the idea of moving abroad, but I am rooted in the United States to an embarrassing degree. I want to travel the globe, but, especially with my dreams of becoming an attorney, I truly doubt that I will ever reside overseas.
But a move to the East Coast? That has felt predestined. Then why has it come at this particular moment?

I don’t know about all of the various sayings that get tossed around: The heart wants what the heart wants. Everything works out for the best. Love conquers all. Well, actually, I do have opinions about all of the above. I don’t really believe in any of them. I think that we often mistake our heads, habits, hobbies and hormones for our hearts. I think that “Everything works out for the best” is the sort of comment that (please forgive) upper middle class Americans can generally get away with saying because they are statistically in a position to believe such things, but my experience leans in a rather different direction, (I say while acknowledging the multitude of ways in which I am ridiculously fortunate and probably as likely to be as safe in such assumptions as my fellow Americans. And love, when it happens, can fall prey to all sorts of things. It isn’t nearly as hearty as we like to think it is. It scares the shit out of most of us – even sometimes in the platonic form, it can still make us feel vulnerable and insecure in all sorts of unexpected ways.

And it is with this mindset that I am facing down both this upcoming move, current travel and the probable effects of these ventures on my current relationship. A relationship that I wasn’t expecting – knowing that I was going to be leaving town, I had dated, but had avoided any serious entanglements… and then we started seeing each other as friends. And now I have someone miles and miles away who I don’t want to be away from at all.

And yet, I am no longer a Marin County resident and my future isn’t there. Bryn Mawr has granted me admission this Fall as a McBride Scholar. It’s a phenomenal opportunity and one that I won’t squander; in a different, but similar way, this summer’s travel plans with my boys are precious and not to be wasted.

We have made it to Kansas ahead of schedule. The boys and I decided unanimously last night to proceed with the road trip, but to cut out the fat and return to California a week or two earlier than originally planned. I miss him and I, frankly, feel rather silly galavanting cross-country when I’m missing him so much.

So, time to break out the drawing board again.

Feeling fortunate

We woke up on Thursday morning refreshed – a full night’s sleep for all of us. We stopped by the little store in Hite, UT and were pleasantly surprised to find it well-stocked and clean. After grabbing coffee, water, and milk for the boys’ cereal, we asked for directions to Mesa Verde and were on our way.

We made one quick double-back to grab a snapshot of the bridge over the Colorado River, but then pushed on with all of us commenting on the colors of the rock formations. I think that my most consistent exercise during this trip (so far) have been my frequent photographic forays. I’ll pull the car over and hop out, and then find myself scrambling to the top or bottom of the nearest hill or ledge to get a clear shot or to frame the picture better. This is quite often followed up by an impulse to make a quick jaunt over the next hill as well…
On our way back to civilization, I noticed the sign for Natural Bridges National Monument and held my breath. Utah was one of the hardest legs of the journey for me to plan because I wanted to see it all – Natural Bridges, Arches, Mt. Zion, the Petrified Forest… so much incredible beauty here. So, noticing that one of them was right on our path felt fortuitous, to say the least. With a brief pause for adolescent approval, or at least manageable static, we veered left and headed down the two-lane road to the visitors center.

On another occasion, I may find time to hike to the top of Kachina Bridge, but at this time, I’m grateful to have been in eyeshot. We rounded the loop at Natural Bridges and we’re back on the road, headed to Cortez, Colorado and Mesa Verde National Park in about an hour. I had worried about not buying our tour tickets in advance for Mesa Verde, but, as it turns out, their $4 tours are not available online. We toured Balcony House and the Cliff Palace and both were remarkable, although the boys would certainly confirm that the Balcony House tour was more fun. I was astonished to find that we were entrusted with climbing up wooden ladders, crawling through a tunnel on our hands and knees and walking around kivas and ledges without five feet of caution tape or foam padding insulating the ruins or us. As a result, it was more exciting, memorable and engaging. 

The night ended with us taking advantage of the free wifi to catch up on correspondence, the coin laundry and writing our first postcards of the trip. There are fewer photos today because we used the Olympus at the national parks. 

Utah

Yesterday we made it to Utah – driving to the Bonneville Salt Flas, through Salt Lake City and finally, spending the night on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake. 

There were balmy, buffeting winds on the island and the day wrapped up with the boys spreading out their blanket to catch the wind, chasing after their banana peels and cracker boxes, before we decided against trying to set up our tent in the gale. We snuggled up in the car and bedded down for the night.

We woke up to jackrabbits and bison on the beach. A quick tour of the island introduced us to more bison, pronghorn antelope, lizards and a multitude of grasshoppers, one of whom tried to gnaw on my hand after Spencer introduced the two of us. Spencer sprang along the path, delighted by the grasshoppers and retuned to the car intent on photographing every animal in sight.

The following five hour drive took us through the mountains, to mesas and plateaus of varying shades – initially forested with forests, but then brick red, sage grey, then sandy white and back to terra cotta. The boys started out engaged by another set of Planet Money podcasts and a few chapters from Douglas Adams’ “Life, the Universe and Everything,” but that amusement had dwindled four hours later, by which time the eldest had been asleep for an hour and my youngest has taken to jabbering manically about his boredom.

Tonight we have reservations at Hite Campground on the northern side of Lake Powell in the Glen Canyon National Recreation Area. The approach was dramatic as the road carved through canyons and Hite Overlook felt akin to the view at the Grand Canyon, only without the crowds. One couple sat at beside their RV, watching us peer over the edge with trepidation. Our campground was desolate. We had the entire place to ourselves, with the exception of one bush bunny who hopped away as I approached. 

Tonight’s dinner was less than a four course meal. There were leftover grapes and crackers from earlier snacking and a burrito that met with no one’s approval, but none of us were terribly hungry, so we worked on our blogs and I cracked open John Stuart Mill’s “On Liberty” for the umteenth time. At dusk, the bats came out and swooped overhead, scooping up their evening meal.